Recognizing the signs and stopping the cycle of abuse
The cycle of abuse is one that is familiar to many victims.
At first the abuser is sweet, kind, gentle, patient, loving — all the things a woman or man could hope for. Once the abuser has the victim's trust and love, the waters are tested.
The abuser may start out with a criticism, telling the victim things like, "You're a little overweight," then dropping a "but I love you anyway" to soothe the hurt he or she just inflicted. Or the abuse might be physical — a pinch or a little shove — that seemed unintentional or done in a joking manner.
The incidents are repeated, sometimes varied, and once the abuser knows the victim will accept the abuse, it gets more vicious and more violent. It will begin to happen more often.
The cycle of abuse has three phases: the tension-building phase, the explosive phase and the honeymoon phase. Once the cycle is complete, it begins all over again.
"It becomes normal to them," said Sara Holifield, executive director of the Domestic Abuse Family Shelter.
Signs of abuse
The signs are there early on, but don't become evident until much later.
Family members or friends may notice the victim becomes quiet, withdrawn and stops having contact with them. Anxiety, depression and loss of self-esteem are other signs a person may be in an abusive relationship.
"Self-esteem issues cause a lot of women to stay," said Alyssa Chandler, who handles domestic violence cases for the Forrest County Sheriff's Department.
Sometimes physical signs are apparent — a black eye, broken bones, cuts and bruises — for which the victim may offer strange explanations or none at all.
"If you notice that somebody were to drop off the face of the Earth, there're changes in their demeanor, they're timid — you can see them from the outside looking in," Chandler said, adding family and friends who notice the changes should talk to the victim and encourage her or him to seek help.
Some forms of emotional abuse are criticizing, humiliation or control, Holifield said. Power over the victim is the main thing the abuser wants.
"A lot of women come to us that do not have a driver's license," she said. "That's the way for the abuser to control them. Or they don't have a job.
"Some of them come to us and they leave literally with just the clothes on their back."
Jealousy, possessiveness, stalking are other forms of emotional abuse, Holifield said.
Physical abuse includes aggressive behavior, hitting, slapping, choking, restraint and rape. When an abuser feels he or she is losing control over their victim, the abuse escalates, sometimes leading to the death of the victim.
"They're going to be verbally abusive long before they're physically abusive," Chandler said. "It would be nice if they could pick up on (the abuse) sooner. But a lot of them don't leave because of the finances or the children. It's hard to just pick up and leave."
In 2015, Lamar County Sheriff's Department received 117 domestic-related calls. In 2014, deputies responded to 104. Contributing factors that set off an incident include economic downturns or natural disasters.
"They're very hard to predict — or anticipate," Lamar County Sheriff Danny Rigel said.
Alcohol or substance abuse can come into play and quickly create a volatile situation.
"People are trying to cope with whatever is going on in their life and deal with it that way, and it alters their normal thought process," Rigel said. "People do stupid things when they're under the influence."
Education, awareness
Educating the community to be aware of the signs of domestic violence is one of the top ways to combat it, Hattiesburg Police Department spokesman Lt. Jon Traxler said.
"People need to know how to identify it and know what kind of help that is out there," he said.
Traxler said there are programs and material to help both the abused and the abusers.
HPD's domestic violence unit is designed to handle all types of domestic cases, from misdemeanors to felonies, spousal abuse, child abuse and even sexual assault. The unit sees the cases through from the initial investigation to the prosecution of the abusers.
The three members of the unit work with other agencies including the district attorney's office, Domestic Abuse Family Shelter and Kids Hub to ensure victims get the help they need.
"We meet monthly to make sure these cases are not falling through the cracks," unit leader Lt. LaTosha Myers-Mitchell said. "Especially with our kids."
The unit also provides training to other groups so they will know what is abuse and the dangers of domestic violence and its progression.
"We try to prevent what we can by educating," Myers-Mitchell said.
Get help
Resources abound for victims of domestic abuse. The Domestic Abuse Family Shelter has a number of options for those seeking help or advice. It serves 11 counties: Forrest, Lamar, Marion, Jones, Perry, Covington, Jefferson Davis, Wayne, Greene, Jasper and Smith.
There are only 13 shelters for the 82 counties in Mississippi, Holifield said.
There is a 24-hour crisis line anyone can call. Non-residential counseling is available as well as group counseling. A children's counselor also is on staff, along with a victim advocate to help clients with legal needs.
HPD and the Domestic Abuse Family Shelter also offer programs to help abusers learn to control their anger and other ways to stop the cycle of abuse.
Holifield said the organization will help women find jobs, get driver's licenses and other things victims may need to get back on their feet. Referrals to other services are available as well.
The Domestic Abuse Family Shelter has two shelters — one in Hattiesburg and one in Laurel. The organization, which is grant- and donation-funded, is working on opening a larger facility in Hattiesburg to serve women and children who need a safe haven. Once opened, the Laurel facility will be used if there is an overflow of clients. The Domestic Abuse Family Shelter has no facility available for male victims at this time.
Rigel said a victim shouldn't hesitate to call 911 if it's an emergency, but advises people not to wait until a situation escalates before seeking help.
"You don't need to go through this by yourself," he said.
He said the Domestic Abuse Family Shelter or organizations such the Shafer Center for Crisis Intervention have trained staff and volunteers who are prepared to help. Churches also often have ministers trained to help with domestic problems.
Law enforcement officers have educational material and other resources, too, some that aren't easy to find, Chandler said, so victims can check in with a local agency to get information.
"Don't wait until you're going to be thrown up against a wall or something before you look for help," Rigel said. "Don't be ashamed to reach out."
Resources
• Domestic Abuse Family Shelter 24-hour crisis line: (800) 649-1092
• Shafer Center for Crisis Intervention 24-hour crisis line: (601) 264-7777
• Department of Human Resources: (800) 345-6347 for general inquiries or visit your local office
• Kids Hub (child advocacy center): http://www.kidshubms.com/